My Worst Enemy

There exists an enemy for each and every person and thing, so is the balance of nature and life. As foes, they destroy and hurt each other, but together they are capable of greatness.

I have my good days and my bad days...but then I also have my really bad days. Today was one of those days. A generally low tolerance level of stupidity, lack of common sense and constricted privacy is further halved on such days. On the insides, the frustration and rage seems to burn up my insides. A fever comes on, rising body temperature, acidity are just some of the side effects felt on such days. The tears of frustration held back for sake of pride, feel like acid behind the eyes.

As your instincts are screaming for you to breakdown, lash out, release all the build up fury eating away at your insides, your still cool and sensible mind keeps you inactive, to nullify those instincts, and keep you out of trouble. It is classic tale of fighting your inner demons.  The good inside you maintains the peace, which is seen as a weakness by the dark side within, hounding your thoughts, making your blood boil.

Such a collapse of mental and emotional stability was brought on by accumulation of several stressful issues on my mind, but the breaking point was the simplest of possible reasons... a failure to understand or grasp a concept, that my peers seemed to have little or no trouble with. While it may confuse you as to why such a trivial matter brought on such dire consequences, I take this moment to share something about myself with the readers. I pride myself on being intellectually superior(smarter, creative and sensible) than most of my peers, and to seek those who are superior to me so that I can grow further. To be void of such an environment, and feel outwitted by dull creatures, is a big blow to my self confidence..and my ego. That being cleared up, let us get back to today's events.

Once in the privacy of your home, or your room, you want to scream but no sound escapes from your dry choked throat. The constant fight between what you should do that is socially acceptable, and what you feel the need to do for your own sake, tears away at your very soul. An outburst in a quarantined environment is inevitable, for which, other people are lucky, that I have a punching bag to unleash my fury. I punch and jab and hammer away at it till my knuckles bleed or my arms won't lift, whichever happens first. But if the rage inside continues, it progresses to using objects or dismembering them, and high sugar consumption to calm this fiery storm.

You would say it is not a good thing to happen, that one should talk it out with a friend or confidant, and that would help a lot more, in a more constructive manner. I agree, and I would give the same advice to those I care about as well. But here, the fight within me does interfere. I pull out my phone but hesitate, pondering over who can I talk to? Some of my closest and dearest are inaccessible or unavailable to contact, and I have my reservations of confiding in friends in vulnerable moments. There is only one person whom I trust without a doubt to confide in, myself. But the split inside my mind causes a more acute fit of rage.

It is my own thoughts, my own pride, my own methods that put me in such positions of discomfort, pain and emotional strength. This leads to only one logical conclusion. It is not the world or the people in it, but it is I. I am my worst enemy.