Hate to live
Its been a really long time since my last post, and a lot has happened since then. Some things I intend to write about, and will post soon, others were moments passed and opportunities missed for good writing. Hope I haven't lost my touch, enjoy reading...
Now, I have often noticed, and been informed, of the serious problem when my mood takes a turn to the dark side. I can only see and percieve the negative aspect of every part of my life, all doom and gloom, a mood so bad I could ruin the mood of anyone who talks to me.
I'm not sure if I have written an earlier post of rough times when nothing seems good enough in life, and am too lazy to check. But yea, there are times when I feel extremely unpleasant, unable to think of anything I'd like that could possibly improve my mood in the slightest. In fact, the more I thought about how to improve my mood, realizing further flaws in the activities that could, simply worsened my day.
All kinds of unnecessary negative thoughts eat away at my brain, wasting my time, causing actual negative physical side effects too. I question the very purpose of my existence, of the existence of society, the reasoning for having all these emotions and how they seem to be unavoidable, feeling that there is no decision I can make, that would be right to the world and would benefit me too. Feeling like the flea of society, nobody wants it, and too insignificant to be really bothered with.
After having plunged into this deep, dark state of mind and murky seas of emotion, a higher question pops into my head, what is the purpose of living or existing? Being a movie buff, the first response is, and I quote "The purpose of all life is to die" as said by Agent Smith in 'The Matrix'. Now, I find life to be quite fascinating and full of pleasant surprises thrown into the general mix of misery, schmucks and assholes. But, for me, I'd be just as happy to observe life, without having to be part of it.
So, from wondering if I was programmed with the purpose of 'live to hate', destined to not stay happy and negate all positives I find in life, I sense that 'hate to live' would be closer to the more likely truth. Now, I don't mean it in a sense of depression, suicide and such cowardice. My point is, given the choice, I would probably choose to not be born. But since I'm 20 years too late to change that, might as well serve out this 'life sentence' (get it?). I would like an early exit, but it has to be something epic. Either live long enough and have achivements to be remembered by, or die in a really cool way, worthy of a short story even.
Life, for me, at most times, is a burden. But if you got it, might as well make the most of it. After all, there are some things worth living for...driving fast, tandoori chicken, German beer, the happy part of being in love, ginger ale, football...stuff like that, can almost make me forget my problems with people and society. But for now, I gotta tell ya, the way the world is, full of nonsense... I hate to live.
Ps, just a reminder, this blog is a means of self-expression, it can be related to but need not be taken too seriously.
Now, I have often noticed, and been informed, of the serious problem when my mood takes a turn to the dark side. I can only see and percieve the negative aspect of every part of my life, all doom and gloom, a mood so bad I could ruin the mood of anyone who talks to me.
I'm not sure if I have written an earlier post of rough times when nothing seems good enough in life, and am too lazy to check. But yea, there are times when I feel extremely unpleasant, unable to think of anything I'd like that could possibly improve my mood in the slightest. In fact, the more I thought about how to improve my mood, realizing further flaws in the activities that could, simply worsened my day.
All kinds of unnecessary negative thoughts eat away at my brain, wasting my time, causing actual negative physical side effects too. I question the very purpose of my existence, of the existence of society, the reasoning for having all these emotions and how they seem to be unavoidable, feeling that there is no decision I can make, that would be right to the world and would benefit me too. Feeling like the flea of society, nobody wants it, and too insignificant to be really bothered with.
After having plunged into this deep, dark state of mind and murky seas of emotion, a higher question pops into my head, what is the purpose of living or existing? Being a movie buff, the first response is, and I quote "The purpose of all life is to die" as said by Agent Smith in 'The Matrix'. Now, I find life to be quite fascinating and full of pleasant surprises thrown into the general mix of misery, schmucks and assholes. But, for me, I'd be just as happy to observe life, without having to be part of it.
So, from wondering if I was programmed with the purpose of 'live to hate', destined to not stay happy and negate all positives I find in life, I sense that 'hate to live' would be closer to the more likely truth. Now, I don't mean it in a sense of depression, suicide and such cowardice. My point is, given the choice, I would probably choose to not be born. But since I'm 20 years too late to change that, might as well serve out this 'life sentence' (get it?). I would like an early exit, but it has to be something epic. Either live long enough and have achivements to be remembered by, or die in a really cool way, worthy of a short story even.
Life, for me, at most times, is a burden. But if you got it, might as well make the most of it. After all, there are some things worth living for...driving fast, tandoori chicken, German beer, the happy part of being in love, ginger ale, football...stuff like that, can almost make me forget my problems with people and society. But for now, I gotta tell ya, the way the world is, full of nonsense... I hate to live.
Ps, just a reminder, this blog is a means of self-expression, it can be related to but need not be taken too seriously.
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