Breaking Point
Woah! It's almost the end of April and this is only my second post this year that isn't a movie review. Am I getting old and boring or simply more careful of what I openly express in this increasingly dangerous and intolerant social atmosphere? Or maybe just a little lazy with putting thoughts into written form. Meh.
Time for a personal update from the Sane Loon and it's not a good one as you can guess from the title of this blog. I don't even know how many real people read this and how many are just page-pings from bots trawling the worldwide web, but I feel like it helps me get things off my chest here without losing much of my privacy. Getting back to the title of this post, 'Breaking Point'.
I'd assume that many of you like me have come across this expression before and most probably on some news channel with a story describing the volatile state of some nation or the other. Or maybe in a novel that has some intense circumstances. Nonetheless, here's a dictionary definition for you guys to understand what I mean by it: the moment of greatest strain at which someone or something gives way. And that's what I feel like I am approaching at an increasing pace. I feel like whatever it is that has kept me going through this rough time is about to give way and me as a person am about to fall apart.
For seven months now, I have not had a full-time job. After what I thought would be my dream job didn't work out for the sheer economics of living in Mumbai (the Loon in Mumbai series), I moved back in with my family in Delhi NCR. I held out for another job in the automotive journalism sector for two months or so before resorting to look for just about any writing profile as long as it paid okay. I joined a small office in a shitty part of Delhi as a copywriter thinking I could hang in for a while, get some cash and then see how things go. Turned out to be a terrible decision as I hated the job, hated the people I had to work with and wasn't even going to get paid on a reliable schedule. In fact, the one whole month that I was employed at this office, I have not yet received the due salary which has seriously set back my plans for travel or investing in tools for myself.
It has now been another two whole months since I left that job and I have had zero progress in my quest for work in the niche that connects communication and automotive. Given that I still don't have any prospects, I spend the majority of my time and money within the four walls of my room. Yes, there are people around me who care about my well being but I am too aware that they cannot help me and only I can help myself. That and the fact that I will not open up to them (apart from one) and risk the further pain of disappointment from someone you trust. But the fact is, I know what I need to do to make things work. But the reason I stay unemployed so often is that what is needed to be done is so disproportionately stupid and oppressive that I resist falling into that trap of a mediocre middle-class guy with a non-technical degree. The biggest problem is that I do not have an alternative that works, where the compromises on ideals are compensated by economic gains.
I shy not from hard work and I don't expect life to give me guarantees, but I would like to see a version of hope that is more than just hot air and fancy words.For every door I got through, it was like seeing a top model without all the layers of photoshop and makeup and realising that what is under the surface isn't what you were expecting or even looking for. The final result was well presented and appealing but the way things got done, with unnecessary levels of painstaking bureaucracy and processes peppered with incompetence and pretence.
There are women, most of them I would say, who are incalculably more than just a pretty face, but the fact is that there are women who are just that. At least, to be objective, I find nothing to stick around for and put in the hard work required. That is what has been the case for me in my exposure to the professional world in the variety of work that I have done, limited as it may be. Nobody is happy all the time, but that nobody is happy enough of the time even after putting in the years of effort? That's not where I want to be or how I want to be as a person.
But then there is the economic reality of life today. I need a career to make enough money to pay for that which is important to me. To pay for a lifestyle that allows me to be happy, to be with people who make me happy and to pay for the gadgets and toys as a means of self-indulgence. The world can be unpredictable in a positive way too but the fears of uncertainty are setting in. My grip on the hope that there is more for me out there is weakening. My confidence in my abilities that allows me to stand is starting to give way, and so is my mind and my heart in this aspect of life. It has made me more irritable, more anti-social and has given strength to my anxieties which is beginning to affect my health as well.
I don't want to give in. I don't want to give up on this last stream of a hope, the last sliver of a dream. But with every passing day I am getting closer to giving in, closer to my breaking point.
Time for a personal update from the Sane Loon and it's not a good one as you can guess from the title of this blog. I don't even know how many real people read this and how many are just page-pings from bots trawling the worldwide web, but I feel like it helps me get things off my chest here without losing much of my privacy. Getting back to the title of this post, 'Breaking Point'.
I'd assume that many of you like me have come across this expression before and most probably on some news channel with a story describing the volatile state of some nation or the other. Or maybe in a novel that has some intense circumstances. Nonetheless, here's a dictionary definition for you guys to understand what I mean by it: the moment of greatest strain at which someone or something gives way. And that's what I feel like I am approaching at an increasing pace. I feel like whatever it is that has kept me going through this rough time is about to give way and me as a person am about to fall apart.
For seven months now, I have not had a full-time job. After what I thought would be my dream job didn't work out for the sheer economics of living in Mumbai (the Loon in Mumbai series), I moved back in with my family in Delhi NCR. I held out for another job in the automotive journalism sector for two months or so before resorting to look for just about any writing profile as long as it paid okay. I joined a small office in a shitty part of Delhi as a copywriter thinking I could hang in for a while, get some cash and then see how things go. Turned out to be a terrible decision as I hated the job, hated the people I had to work with and wasn't even going to get paid on a reliable schedule. In fact, the one whole month that I was employed at this office, I have not yet received the due salary which has seriously set back my plans for travel or investing in tools for myself.
It has now been another two whole months since I left that job and I have had zero progress in my quest for work in the niche that connects communication and automotive. Given that I still don't have any prospects, I spend the majority of my time and money within the four walls of my room. Yes, there are people around me who care about my well being but I am too aware that they cannot help me and only I can help myself. That and the fact that I will not open up to them (apart from one) and risk the further pain of disappointment from someone you trust. But the fact is, I know what I need to do to make things work. But the reason I stay unemployed so often is that what is needed to be done is so disproportionately stupid and oppressive that I resist falling into that trap of a mediocre middle-class guy with a non-technical degree. The biggest problem is that I do not have an alternative that works, where the compromises on ideals are compensated by economic gains.
I shy not from hard work and I don't expect life to give me guarantees, but I would like to see a version of hope that is more than just hot air and fancy words.For every door I got through, it was like seeing a top model without all the layers of photoshop and makeup and realising that what is under the surface isn't what you were expecting or even looking for. The final result was well presented and appealing but the way things got done, with unnecessary levels of painstaking bureaucracy and processes peppered with incompetence and pretence.
There are women, most of them I would say, who are incalculably more than just a pretty face, but the fact is that there are women who are just that. At least, to be objective, I find nothing to stick around for and put in the hard work required. That is what has been the case for me in my exposure to the professional world in the variety of work that I have done, limited as it may be. Nobody is happy all the time, but that nobody is happy enough of the time even after putting in the years of effort? That's not where I want to be or how I want to be as a person.
But then there is the economic reality of life today. I need a career to make enough money to pay for that which is important to me. To pay for a lifestyle that allows me to be happy, to be with people who make me happy and to pay for the gadgets and toys as a means of self-indulgence. The world can be unpredictable in a positive way too but the fears of uncertainty are setting in. My grip on the hope that there is more for me out there is weakening. My confidence in my abilities that allows me to stand is starting to give way, and so is my mind and my heart in this aspect of life. It has made me more irritable, more anti-social and has given strength to my anxieties which is beginning to affect my health as well.
I don't want to give in. I don't want to give up on this last stream of a hope, the last sliver of a dream. But with every passing day I am getting closer to giving in, closer to my breaking point.
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